Great Is Thy Faithfulness

It was one year ago today that I sat on our stairs anxiously waiting for Ben to finish his online tutoring training.  And as I sat there, knees and hands shaking, I stared at that faded blue line surrounded by cheap plastic, and I imagined what it would be like to tell him I was pregnant.  I was going to run down the stairs, playfully show him the positive test, twirl around in his arms, and sit for hours daydreaming baby names and nursery ideas.

So sweet, so perfect, and so not reality.  Instead, I ran down the stairs, started bawling my eyes out much to Ben's concern.  I showed Ben the pregnancy test, which Ben thought was negative because I was sobbing and because he had no clue what a "positive" looked like.  Frustrated, I clarified it was positive to which he replied, "It's too early to test.  Don't get your hopes up."  I then explained that there's no such things as false positives, and we spent the next 15 minutes googling "pregnancy tests."

And just as that moment didn't play out as I had planned, much of the last year hasn't fallen neatly into place.  Maybe because I had yearned to be pregnant for so long, it never occurred to me that it might not be the most magnificent nine months of my life.  The cloud that I floated on in the beginning quickly dissipated with horrific nausea and "morning sickness," several bouts of unexplained bleeding, pre-term labor scares, and the ultrasound discovery that "Baby B" wasn't growing as he should.  Instead of glowing and showing off my baby bump for all the world to see, I spent many a day fighting off worry as I curled up on the coach with a plastic bag beside me.

So today as I reflect on the moments that have made up this year, I am reminded that there weren't the big bushels of lollipops and rays of sunshine which I had planned for.   Pregnancy was difficult, and my babies' first weeks of life were heart wrenching to watch.  Yet, as I write this, I am also reminiscent of the two beautiful, healthy five month old boys upstairs who are peacefully sleeping in their cribs.  Two precious sons who were wrapped in prayer and faith weeks before I ever saw that faded blue line.

And I am humbly reminded of God's faithfulness despite the hours I spent fighting, questioning, and begging Him for answers.  At times His faithfulness seemed like a joke with a cruel punchline, but here I joyfully am surrounded by baby chaos and smelling of spit-up, several years after the initial desire to have a child and one year after clinging on to that positive pregnancy test.

God has orchestrated this journey for Ben and me so differently than I would have imagined or wanted, but what a beautiful one it has been.

Great is Thy faithfulness! Great is Thy faithfulness!
Morning by morning new mercies I see;
All I have needed Thy hand hath provided -
Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord unto me! 
            ~ Thomas Chisholm